List

1. Get a part-time Job

2. Enter art competition

I decided not to do art
3. Go to the cinema by myself

4. Travel to South Island

5. Make Kimchi successfully by myself   I used internet recipe but I added too much ginger( I hate ginger).  However it was still quite nice and I made so much, I would like to share them with my friends but I’m not sure they will like it.

6. Able to have a conversation in Chinese

7. Visit China

8. Get my driver’s licence

9. Make up for things I regret the most

10. Volunteer

I did!!! at teaching kids math, it was so nice 🙂

 

11. Donate to North Korean Refuge Charity

12. Take a bus ride to a place I’ve never been before

13. Try Food that I’ve never tried before

14. Walk 15min everyday

I moved to a place where bus stop is 20 min away from the house. Now I am forced to walk 40 min everyday HAHHAHAH

15. Get excepted to Elam Art school

I decided not to do art

 

16. Get a job that I’d enjoy

17. Treat my parents with the money that I earned

18. Travel with my parents

19. Love someone with all my heart

20. Meet a North Korean person

21. Go to the script concert

22. Get married with someone I love

23. Sell an art work

24.  Work at Hanawon

25. Work as intern for Link

26. See my grandma

27. Go to a circus

28. Do something that would scare the shit out of me

29. Buy a perfume that I love

30. Get scholarship

31. Learn printmaking

32. Make life long friend

33. Get along well with my sister

34. Live in a Flat in the city

I found out city flat was horrible

Most importantly BE happy 🙂

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Lazy Holiday

I had two weeks of holiday, and I pretty much wasted time until…today.
One bloody week has already gone by and somehow I do not hate myself for that. For the past 3 days I went to bed at about 3am and woke up really late. This feels kind of weird because combined with staying up, I have the house to myself (my flat owner’s family had gone for a holiday). I feel like I’m the only person in the world because I stay at home and when I am most active, other people are sleeping. This is something I often wanted when I had a crappy conflict with some people.
Once when I felt really depressed and was sick of hurting others and others hurting me I imagined a empty world except some animals who won’t kill me.

Sometimes when I’m about to sleep…the moment when everything is silent and I am forced to think, my past, and worries haunt me. So I like being preoccupied by TV, movies, books…anything to get my mind off myself.
I realise I am the biggest obstacle to my life.

Despite my low self esteem I am quite content right this moment. I have no reason to be unhappy. No one is telling me what to do, what not to do, or judging me.

Today I started a pastel drawing of children smiling and I am happy with the process. I am half way through pencil drawing. Drawing makes me feel proud because I can see the process I made. The sad thing is that random past regrets hit me when I am shading. I’m in the process of letting go or forgiving myself. I have not reached my destination and this might take several years. I don’t want my mind to rot as I get older, I want to mature.

I went to the library today and got out some books and met my classmate. She was a top student and asked me, “ah~ having fun with your history assignment?” I just let out a small embarrassed laughter and told her that I haven’t done any work this week( because I don’t want the genius teacher who sighs at my stupid essays to read my work.) I’m disappointed with myself, I hate being judged so much that I’m letting it get in the way of my education.

I got home ate two bowls of chocolate ice cream and watched a TV documentary about Laos.

Both my mom and my friend had ignored my messages, I’m such a loner 🙂
Right now I can do whatever I want but I feel slightly lonely.