I had two weeks of holiday, and I pretty much wasted time until…today.
One bloody week has already gone by and somehow I do not hate myself for that. For the past 3 days I went to bed at about 3am and woke up really late. This feels kind of weird because combined with staying up, I have the house to myself (my flat owner’s family had gone for a holiday). I feel like I’m the only person in the world because I stay at home and when I am most active, other people are sleeping. This is something I often wanted when I had a crappy conflict with some people.
Once when I felt really depressed and was sick of hurting others and others hurting me I imagined a empty world except some animals who won’t kill me.
Sometimes when I’m about to sleep…the moment when everything is silent and I am forced to think, my past, and worries haunt me. So I like being preoccupied by TV, movies, books…anything to get my mind off myself.
I realise I am the biggest obstacle to my life.
Despite my low self esteem I am quite content right this moment. I have no reason to be unhappy. No one is telling me what to do, what not to do, or judging me.
Today I started a pastel drawing of children smiling and I am happy with the process. I am half way through pencil drawing. Drawing makes me feel proud because I can see the process I made. The sad thing is that random past regrets hit me when I am shading. I’m in the process of letting go or forgiving myself. I have not reached my destination and this might take several years. I don’t want my mind to rot as I get older, I want to mature.
I went to the library today and got out some books and met my classmate. She was a top student and asked me, “ah~ having fun with your history assignment?” I just let out a small embarrassed laughter and told her that I haven’t done any work this week( because I don’t want the genius teacher who sighs at my stupid essays to read my work.) I’m disappointed with myself, I hate being judged so much that I’m letting it get in the way of my education.
I got home ate two bowls of chocolate ice cream and watched a TV documentary about Laos.
Both my mom and my friend had ignored my messages, I’m such a loner 🙂
Right now I can do whatever I want but I feel slightly lonely.